nectorsuzz

h/e/a/r/t

2007-07-29T22:41:07Z

Broken Hearted at long last. What do you do at the end of a broken heart? Do you build it back up or do you let all your walls come flying down? What do you do at the end of a disenchanted road? Do you keep going or bring it to a crashing end ? The question I will always ask myself when Love comes to an end. I was not looking for a Hero , I just wanted to be someones everything, perhaps that is to much to ask. You know That person you rush home to see , that person you can't wait to call , that look in the eyes and that kiss on the cheek you have to have every night before you go to bed. Those long talks about nothing and no left out information about the day or the next to come, a person who lays even after passions flames burn out for a night. I wanted to be someone I could be looked to for help and I wanted someone who could listen ,inspire ,or help me. I never wanted to go a day where It was to late or not important enough to call or be bothered. I wanted someone who could stand on his own and would put friends and family aside to be with me.
I wanted so much , much more then any of these words could ever describe. I did not want to feel lonely , half empty , or second best when it came to anything. I did not want any more excuses , white lies or waiting for that day when he would realize he could not live without me. I wanted someone to run for me and a family that supported me and the decision I made to be with the person I love. I did not want to be told that I was to good for the person I choose by the family I choose him from. I wanted to have our own lives and I wanted to feel free and happy without a hook or a clause. I did not want to feel that I had to prove to him everyday that I loved him. I wanted someone that was not to tired or felt controlled, but of all the things I wanted I just wanted him.
I don't know if the person who broke my heart will ever know that he broke it. He will only look at what he wants to see and he will draw his own conclusions from that. He will be blind sited by family and people in passing , but maybe one day he will know the truth. I did what I did because HE NEVER REALLY NEW WHAT LOVE WAS and even though I could help him , he never really wanted the help or attention from me in less it was an urge . So he may think he set me free , It was really me freeing him from his obligation to Play Pretend with me. He no longer has to hide himself . If he wants to go out he can , if he wants to smoke he can, if he does not want to work he can and etc. I know in passing I will probably look back and think he's better off and maybe in the future for myself as well , but I will always remember his dark brown eyes , a wrinkled for-head and a shake of the hand that was Hello. Of all the things I have done , people I've met, and all the past relationships I have been in I can never remember meeting someone so vividly.
You could say that I loved him when I met him and I will always feel that even if it was only partly there in return. Thats what I will take with me and even though lately I can only remember the chaotic , deep down I will carry the good and know that there are different kinds of loves. Love may start out with all good intent ,but there are just different ideas of it ...........

enough for one night :(

A NEW SEASON IS UPON US

2007-07-21T00:47:06Z

WELL HERE IT IS LATE JULY AND A NEW MONTH IS ALONG ITS WAY. I BELIEVE ITS TIME FOR A GREAT BIG CHANGE. IT'S TIME TO START GETTING OUT COATS AND MY FAVORITE OF ALL BOOTS. ITS TIME TO START HITTING THE PAVEMENT AND LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB WITH PERSPECTIVES AND A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT. ITS TIME TO GET OFF MEDICATION AND HORMONE PILLS TO SEE IF I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT THEM. ITS TIME FOR A HEALTHY BODY AND LIVING CHANGE . ITS TIME TO START GETTING BACK TO ME AND THE BASICS AND PUTTING A POSITIVE FOOT FORWARD. ITS TIME TO DROP THE PAST AND MOVE ON TO THE FUTURE AND FIND MYSELF AGAIN!

As Good as to be or not to be ????

2007-07-14T01:12:48Z

          Anger is a feeling one has for the smell of decay and for the loss of humanity in a fallen world. There is no light or dark and realizing that most people operate in the gray is a sicking twist in my stomach. There is no more black and white , right or wrong only the hope that peace and love will proclaim true in life. Loss is something we all come to cope with and the question becomes should we hold on here or let go. We all tend to get labeled in the whole scene of things and sometimes the labels stick. Change becomes something of a hardship and in the end people wind up remaining the same. The fact that we gain and learn from other people is what makes this whole life interesting , but what happens when we have learned all we truly need to know. Do we stay where we are at because it is a comfort ? or do we cut the losses and move on?

          How much are we built to withstand? This is a question I often ask myself and yet I seem to be somehow comforted in the fact that even though I am with people I am very much alone. Alone on my views , Alone on my opinions , and emotionally unfilled at this point by others other then my close family. I am constantly let down even though I realize we are all just human. I try not to think about my past so much because I like thinking about my future. I don't want to get trapped by the idea that this is all there is. I thought I always new what I wanted in life , but because of events that has changed. I find myself not enjoying some of the things I used to and I enjoy being home alone. Sometimes I just sit in a quiet room with no sound and just daze off to think.

         Sometimes I come up with some really artistic ideas or other times I just think of nothing. I find myself Bored most of the time , but to lazy and broke to really do anything. ha ha I can't put my trust in friends because they come and go , and men tend to cheat , lie or both. What a situation we adults are in today. Some days you forget which end is up and which end is down. In the end we all use each other it seems for whatever is right or seems right at the moment . It is all just the passing of days that will one day end and time that never stands still except for that moment when we breath life and love in and then let it out. Its as good as it can be or Perhaps its as good as its not to be ???